reflectionplace

As we brought flowers to our daughter’s grave today, we were touched by the beauty of the flags displayed all across the cemetery.  In the midst of mourning the loss of our own loved one, it is fitting on this day to remember those who paid the ultimate price for our freedom. We as a nation benefit from such a profound sacrifice, and it was encouraging to see so many visitors there to pay their respects on this Memorial Day.

“The willingness of America’s veterans to sacrifice for our country has earned them our lasting gratitude” ~ Jeff Miller

Most of us have written the script for how our life should go. When the unexpected happens, we are stunned, and wonder how this could have happened.  An illness, a death, a job loss, and other circumstances can catch us by surprise and we struggle to cope with the consequences.

The shock of losing our daughter so suddenly left us unsure of how to go on. We were fortunate to find a support group with GriefShare; you can search for one near you at www.griefshare.org.  Other organizations, such as hospice, offer grief support as well.

Working through the many aspects of grief is not easy. I never expected that Kayln would be gone so soon, and I find it hard to accept that I don’t get to create new memories with her. Acceptance takes time, I suppose, and as I move forward I will hold tightly to the good memories that I have.

How often do we underestimate the value of ordinary moments? Doing simple things like chalk art on the back porch might have seemed mundane at the time; just a way to pass the time on a sunny day.   Now, though, this snapshot from a summer gone by is precious to me.

Each picture is a way to hold on to the memories of Kayln, memories that might fade away without a visual reminder.  I can no longer add to the photo album of her life, but I can cherish all the moments that were captured.  We can revisit her photos anytime we want, and treasure those happy memories.

After losing Kayln, I was uncertain how to go on. The grief process is unpredictable, and I felt helpless against the barrage of emotions. Anger and bitterness could easily set in, and become a way of life. But that would not be honoring her memory and would cause damage to myself and those around me.

So I work daily to fight off negative thinking. One verse that helps is Philippians 4:8:  “whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is  lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things”.

This is not easy, but I do my best to focus on the good memories. If I allow myself to learn and grow through this grief experience, then maybe I can bring hope and healing to others experiencing grief and loss.

Blessings can come at the most unexpected times. One Saturday we thought we should try to go through Kayln’s closet. Going through your loved one’s possessions after their death can be overwhelming, and it is easier to put it off than to face it. As we carefully sorted through her things, we put some items in totes that we weren’t ready to part with, while other things we felt we could donate. We were sitting at the kitchen table going through some smaller items, and by then I was emotionally exhausted and couldn’t stop crying. My son wisely suggested that maybe it was time to stop. I agreed, and as I finished looking through a jewelry box, I spotted a necklace; it was a heart pendant on a silver chain. It was beautiful, and I felt like it was a special treasure meant for me. As I put it on, I could finally smile through my tears. This was a special blessing after a very difficult day, and wearing her necklace makes me feel a little closer to her.

Sometimes circumstances only make sense after events unfold.  As our daughter’s health deteriorated before our eyes, we prayed so hard for an answer, and the harder we prayed the more elusive the answer became.  Every attempt to help her failed, and every door leading to an answer remained closed.

Looking back now, I can see that God purposely kept the real cause hidden for a good reason. He spared Kayln from the knowledge of her brain AVM, knowledge that would have been more devastating than she could bear.

A friend told me that when God says “yes” it shows his power, and when God says “no” shows his wisdom. I take comfort in the evidence of God’s wisdom and mercy. Though it was not the outcome we wanted, I know that God did not abandon us, but was at work in the midst of our loss.