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Reflections on Loss

March 13, 2017
by Tricia Osterholm
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Honoring Her Today

Today marks two years since Kayln died. Anniversaries stir up painful memories, and the trauma of that day comes rushing back. Knowing that she is in Heaven is a great comfort, and we are thankful we have that reassurance. But the reality of not having her here with us is very painful, and that pain will never fully go away.  I still have days when I wake up and I can’t believe she is gone.

Ever since she was a little girl, I imagined her getting married one day, and how special her wedding would be. She would have children of her own, and we would have many more holidays and birthdays to spend together. These expectations were crushed in an instant; the future I imagined was suddenly torn from the pages of my life.

I miss her stunning smile, her laugh, her unique personality. I loved her boldness- she wasn’t afraid to say what she thought. I miss her compassionate heart. She was always wanting to comfort someone going through hard times, even when she was struggling herself.

The brain AVM took her from us, and it was the source of her physical ailments and increasing mental confusion. She dealt with the frustration of knowing something was wrong but never knowing the source. Yet in the last two months before she died she was more at peace. The day before she died, she told her dad that she wasn’t afraid to die, and said she knew she was going to heaven. We call that a miracle moment, a gift to carry us through the hard times.

We have been blessed by support from our friends and family, and we are thankful. We also have a grief support group that has helped us on this grief journey, and we have each other. Kayln would not want us to be stuck in grief.  Thinking of her inspires us to make the most of the time we have, and to treasure the people in our lives.
Roses in the Rain modified

February 17, 2017
by Tricia Osterholm
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Thought Process

Almost two years have gone by since losing Kayln, and still, random thoughts swirl around in my head about her every single day. I sit here with a cup of coffee and the laptop and try to put all these chaotic thoughts into a coherent framework to comprehend this loss. I fight against this arduous process, wishing to avoid the pain it stirs up. But avoidance does not remove the pain, it just relegates it to a corner of the mind where it festers and eventually comes out in unexpected ways – anger, anxiety, depression, exhaustion and other ailments. I must face this pain and work through it to obtain healing and peace.
Kayln mural modified

February 8, 2017
by Tricia Osterholm
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A Precious Gift

Christmas 2017 was our second Christmas without our daughter, Kayln. When our son moved away for college this past September, we were even more aware of the emptiness in our house. My husband and I were grateful that our son came home from college to spend Christmas with us.

After we spent the morning opening presents and having breakfast together, I decided to look for the movie, “It’s a Wonderful Life,” for us to watch later. After searching the entire house with no success, I decided to try the garage. With no luck there either, I decided we must not have the movie anymore.

On the way back inside, I spotted a box of Kayln’s things.  Missing her deeply on this day, I tentatively looked through the items. I came across a journal I had given to her.  Flipping through the pages, I found only one page with writing on it. It was a list of things she was thankful for.  At the end of the list, Kayln had written “thank you for saving me”.  It took my breath away!  These five words meant the world to me.

Though I already knew that Kayln had put her trust in Jesus, I felt this was God’s way of reassuring me that our daughter was spending Christmas with her Lord and Savior. I will treasure this gift, given to comfort a grieving mom at just the right moment.
Christmas Gift

January 20, 2017
by Tricia Osterholm
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Expectations

While I have been working through the grief of losing my daughter, I have learned to change my outlook on what to expect from other people. Over time, I realized that no person can make this better, not even those closest to me.  Nothing anyone can say or do will take away the pain of this loss. If I am expecting great comfort from a person, I will be disappointed again and again- not because they are at fault, but because it is not anyone’s job to make this better. I can’t expect people to do what only God is able to accomplish.

The majority of people we encountered after Kayln passed offered sincere words of kindness, such as “I am so sorry for your loss”, or “I can’t imagine what you are going through”. Others were unable to say anything at all. I think the majority of people are uncomfortable dealing with death, and are unsure what to say to someone experiencing a loss; words can seem so inadequate.

The only way to truly grasp the depth of grief is to experience it, and I have encountered people whose understanding of grief is evident. They have asked questions that other people do not ask, which has led to discussions of the deeper issues of grief.  These are the people who said “it’s only been a year, that’s not very long,” as opposed to those who assume that once that first year is up everything goes back to normal. The truth is, there is no going back to the way I was before I lost Kayln.  This loss has forever changed me.

When I came to understand that only God can help me with this pain, it released me from expecting anything at all from people. Unrealistic expectations only set me up for disappointment and frustration.  I can be more at peace when I place the burden of comfort onto my Lord and Savior alone.  He holds the title of Wonderful Counselor (Isaiah 9:6), and He wants me to turn to Him for healing.
Path Pic

October 30, 2016
by Tricia Osterholm
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A Measure of Love

Grief is the price we pay for loving someone. The greater the love we have for a person, the greater our grief when they are gone. When a memory of my daughter causes instant pain, I remind myself that this pain is the result of deep love.  Our lives were interwoven for twenty years, and the impact of Kayln’s life is permanently etched on my heart.

I would not change a single moment spent investing in her life; the value of those moments cannot be measured.  In spite of the great loss I feel now, l still believe it is better to “love each other deeply, with all your heart” (1 Peter 1:22).  Though pain may ease over time, the love will always remain.
Kayln Rememberance 1

April 2, 2015
by Tricia Osterholm
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Missing Her

The void created by Kayln’s death is vast. I can barely grasp the fact that she is gone, let alone imagine how I am supposed to move forward without her. Each day I face reminders of her; her spot at the dining room table, her gluten-free food in the pantry, her car out front. I have a very hard time going into her bedroom; it makes the feeling of loss more intense. I am thankful for her Facebook page, where I can read her friends’ comments and look at her pictures, but at the same time I can only look for a short time before I am overwhelmed with sadness. I wonder if these feelings of grief and loss will ever end. Maybe the pain will just become more bearable over time.
Kayln b&w modify

March 24, 2015
by Tricia Osterholm
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A Journey of Loss

Eleven days ago, my beautiful daughter, Kayln, passed away. She was only twenty years old and her death came as a complete shock. We received a call from the hospital right before midnight on March 12. We raced down to the ICU and were told that Kayln had a condition called brain arteriovenous malformation (AVM), which is a tangle of abnormal arteries and veins. The AVM had ruptured, causing bleeding in the brain. She was non-responsive and hooked up to life support. The neurologist explained that the condition was congenital, meaning it had been there from birth, yet was not genetic.

My husband and I and our son waited for twelve hours in the ICU, hoping to see a change in her condition. Several tests were done throughout the night to determine brain function, and finally the neurologist confirmed that there was no activity. We made the decision no parent should ever have to make—to take our daughter off life support. She died at 12:21 p.m. on March 13, 2015.

We held a graveside service on March 20 for family members. After lowering her pink casket into the grave, each of us placed a pink rose on top as well as notes and mementos. Then on March 21 we had a memorial service, and close to 200 people joined us to celebrate her life.

Now we are facing the daily reality that she is no longer with us. As I journey through grief and loss, I will share my thoughts and feelings here.

January 13, 2015
by Tricia Osterholm
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Irish Blessing

Forest Flowers modified
The following is a beautiful blessing for those going through hard times.
If you are facing difficulties, may this lift you up today.

May you see God’s light on the path ahead
When the road you walk is dark.
May you always hear,
Even in your hour of sorrow,
The gentle singing of the lark.
When times are hard may hardness
Never turn your heart to stone,
May you always remember
when the shadows fall—
You do not walk alone.

~Author Unknown

May 18, 2014
by Tricia Osterholm
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Witnessing Compassion

I have personally witnessed two heartbreaking incidents at emergency rooms involving veterans. During the first incident, the man in the room next door kept hollering for his wife even though he came in alone and left alone. Through the thin curtain dividing the rooms we heard him tell the nurse that he was a disabled vet. He said he came in the ambulance wearing only a robe, and he would have to walk home because he didn’t even have bus fare. The staff gave him bus fare, clothes, socks, and shoes so he could go home in dignity. Apparently they keep a supply of clothes to have on hand for just such an occasion.

During another visit to the emergency room, a Vietnam veteran down the hall became very agitated and began to yell about his helicopter going down. How tragic that over forty years later he is daily reliving the trauma. The staff was very patient in dealing with him. I greatly admired the doctors and nurses in both situations for treating these veterans with the compassion and respect they deserve.

May 16, 2014
by Tricia Osterholm
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Loss and Grief

Path modified
Loss and grief go hand in hand
Down the road of suffering
Loss says “feel the emptiness.”
Grief says “this pain will never end.”

Wisdom says
“learn from the loss and grief.”
It will reveal your strength
and refine who you are.

Time is the crossroad
That step by step
Brings healing to
Your broken heart.

~By Tricia Osterholm