Today my daughter, Kayln, would be turning 32. It’s so hard to imagine that the last birthday we celebrated with her was when she turned 20. I often wonder what she would be doing now if she were still here. All I can do is imagine or speculate. She loved the beach, and often talked about moving to California. I imagine she would be living somewhere warm. She sure disliked the cold winters here! I wish she had been able to pursue her dreams; it’s still heartbreaking that she never had the chance. We are thinking of her with love today.
Today marks 10 years since our daughter passed. I can’t believe it has been so long since we have seen her, heard her voice or her laugh, or given her a hug. We have missed out on an entire decade, and I often think about what her life would have been like these past years.
Recently, we came across a special painting that belonged to Kayln; it had been stored in a closet for all of these years. We decided to get it framed so we can finally hang it up. The way she got the painting is such a great story. Kayln and I had gone to Guatemala on a short term mission trip back in 2009. A young lady in the town we were staying in had developed a friendship with my daughter, and before we left she presented her with this beautiful painting she had made for her. Somehow we got it back home without any damage. After being stored for so long it is still in perfect shape. Now when I look at it on the wall it brings back those good memories.
Today is a day of reflection, memories and being thankful for the 20 years we had with Kayln and the blessing that she was to everyone who knew her.
I miss my daughter every day, but even more so today on what would be her 30th birthday. How I wish Kayln were here to celebrate with us! I can’t help but wonder what her life would be like now. I guess I will always wonder about what she could have done, the life she could have had were it not for the brain AVM that took her suddenly. She never got to meet her brother’s wife, or her niece who is 15 months old now. She would have loved being an aunt. All of us will gather together today to honor her and remember. Happy birthday, Kayln.
Today marks nine years since my daughter’s passing. I can hardly believe so much time has gone by since that day.
All of us miss her every day, but March 13 is especially difficult. The day we lost her was so devastating, and the details are just forever etched in my mind. I struggle to push those thoughts out and instead focus on the good memories that I have.
Losing a loved one can cause us to experience a variety of reactions, including emotional, mental and physical. Since grief is not often openly discussed, these reactions can be unexpected and confusing. One such reaction I experienced that was new to me was anxiety. Suddenly going out in public seemed overwhelming; even doing something as simple as a trip to the grocery store gripped me with fear. As time went on I experienced anxiety attacks, where I found it difficult to breathe. This happened at home and at work and I had to learn how to manage these attacks. I also experienced night terrors where I would wake up with intense fear that would take a long time to subside. I did a lot of reading on how to work through these reactions. Even though it has been almost nine years since I lost my daughter, I still experience anxiety from time to time. Just knowing that it is not unusual to experience anxiety in reaction to your loss is reassuring. Talking about this with a friend, loved one or counselor can be very helpful. Be kind to yourself and know that with time and effort you can learn to cope with these unexpected reactions.
An arteriovenous malformation (AVM) is a tangle of abnormal arteries and veins. My daughter died on March 13, 2015 from a brain AVM when it ruptured. The Aneurysm and AVM Foundation has detailed information on this rare disease, at https://taafonline.org/conditions/avm. We had never even heard of the disease before that day. Hopefully increased awareness will prevent other families from experiencing a devestaing loss like we have.
Today Kayln would be turning 29 years old. I love this photo of her, the sunlight filtering through the trees, shining on her hair and face; just beautiful.
I find myself dwelling on what could have been; it is hard not to. How I wish she had had the chance to pursue her dreams. The brain AVM took that chance away. The loss and heartbreak can be overwhelming at times.
Now all we can do as a family is gather together and remember her. We honor her today and celebrate her life.
I was reading through one of my daughter’s journals, since it is the anniversary of her passing. Today marks eight years that Kayln has been gone. I thought if I read her words I might feel closer to her. This was written when she was around 17, about 3 years before she passed. Though she had no idea what was wrong with her, she somehow knew her time was short:
“Even though the time is near, don’t give up, Jesus never gave up, he praised God until he died, so I should do the same. I feel like my life is already over and I have no time for anything so I don’t know what to do with the time that is left. I guess God will show me what to do”.
The second section was a prayer:
“I’m happy you love me, I hope I can learn to love you the way you do, thank you for the place you made, let me remember we are only in a waiting place now, and every person here matters & to be a good influence on them, and not be afraid of going to heaven.”
It is heartbreaking to read her words, because her time was truly short on this earth, just 20 years. She had an un-diagnosed brain AVM that was destroying her health. No one knows how much time they will have, of course. We just thought we would have so much more time with her. I do find comfort that she wrote about this being a waiting place and that she was not afraid to go to heaven. I know I will see her again one day.
After years of dealing with the pain of losing my daughter, I find myself falling into the common coping mechanism of avoidance. It can take many forms; throwing myself into my work, finding projects to keep me busy, binge watching old favorites on Netflix; anything to distract myself from the painful thoughts and feelings of my grief. The problem with this is that eventually, the feelings refuse to be ignored. They begin to show up in physical ways like insomnia, nightmares, and exhaustion. Then I realize that my avoidance isn’t really a solution at all. Once again I must face my pain and continue working through my grief.
Today my daughter would be turning 28, if she were still here. I can’t help but feel the loss a little more sharply on her birthday; I wish with all of my heart that she were here to celebrate. We are marking the day together as a family, though it’s hard to find the right way to commemorate the day. Nothing feels quite right.
Having lost Kayln so suddenly, to a brain AVM, was such a shock. Though we knew she was not in good health, we had no idea we would lose her at the age of 20. We should have so many more years together to make new memories. Her condition went un-diagnosed, which often happens with rare diseases.
I imagine that every year her birthday will be a difficult day. How could it not be? I will always wish I still had the chance to see her reach her goals and celebrate those accomplishments with her. Though we cannot be together, I know we will see you again one day. Thinking of you with love today.
