I woke up in fear again today. I can’t remember what I was dreaming about, but the anxiety was overwhelming. This is happening more frequently lately, most likely because the five year anniversary of our daughter’s passing is coming up in March. Not a day has gone by that I haven’t thought about Kayln. As the anniversary approaches, though, the emotions and memories increase in intensity. Most of the time I try to block out the painful memories of the day we lost her, but an anniversary seems to force those memories to the surface.

About a week ago I woke up at 5 a.m. with an intense panic attack, probably because I had been anxious that my son was going to be traveling that day and I have an irrational fear that I might lose him too. I know it is not healthy to obsess about losing other people I care about, but it is hard not to when I have already lost a child.

Recently I was talking to a friend who is struggling with their teenager. I told her about my daughter’s condition and how this brain AVM affected her, and that I know how hard it is when a teenager is acting irrationally. We did not know the truth about her condition until it was too late. Kayln never knew what was causing all of her problems. In some ways that was a blessing, because she would have been so distressed to hear that she had an AVM in her frontal lobe that most likely could not be operated on, and if they did the outcome would not be good. On the other hand, she never got medical confirmation that her extreme symptoms had a serious cause.

Kayln’s health problems could not be diagnosed quickly and I feel that most doctors did not want to take the time to find the cause. So many people with rare conditions experience the same thing, bouncing around from doctor to doctor, trying to find someone who will actually help. During that uncertain time, I was constantly in fear for her future. And then my worst fear of all happened. We lost her, and it has been a struggle to accept it ever since.

As I work through these issues and memories, I am trying hard to prevent the fear and darkness from taking over. I will do my best to focus on the good memories, I will continue to write about the issues of loss, and appreciate the good in my life.