Most days, I am in conflict. I wish my daughter was still here, but I would never want her to continue to suffer like she did. Reminders of Kayln are often too painful to bear, yet I desperately need to hold on to her belongings. I need to let my emotions out through tears, but I try so hard to avoid crying. I want to talk about Kayln, but I find it too difficult to do so.

These are just a few of the ways I have found grief to be a paradox. Being aware of these contradictions helps me to understand the complexity of the grief process. Awareness then helps me assess if I am processing my grief in a healthy way. This brought me to the realization that in my conflict, I tend to do the opposite of what I should do. I force myself to act “normal”, to shut off the emotions and thoughts until I am alone. Or I keep busy so I don’t have time to think about it.

The more I understand and learn about grief, the more I realize I need to be patient with myself. I need time to reflect on the profound nature of our loss. Every time I look at a picture of Kayln, I long to talk to her one more time, to hear her laugh, to see her smile. I miss her presence in our home. Living without Kayln is very difficult, and being conflicted is an unavoidable part of adjusting to life without her.